I have made many amends for my past while living as an alcoholic. Amends allow me to also right the wrongs I may continue to make. It is freedom from behaviors that do not live up to the new life in sobriety I am choosing to live. People get tired of broken promises, of forgiving over and over and giving second and third, fourth, or fifth chances only to get hurt again. When you’re looking to change both your behavior and your broken relationships, stop making excuses to fulfill your promises. Soon, you’ll run out of reasons to give your loved ones why you’ve failed them once again.

However, these promises are usually the result of deep feelings of shame, guilt, and regret and may not be genuine for some. Many times, these kinds of promises serve to alleviate the wrongdoer’s guilt living amends and so that they can say they apologized before their loved one died. With these kinds of promises, there may not be enough genuine intention of changing their hurtful patterns and behaviors.

Promises to do things differently

Then we make space for other people to hurt and heal—not just now, but into the foreseeable future. If we are honest and sincere about our amends, then we will not repeat those mistakes, and we will not rush people to forgiveness. We will honor the emotional consequences that stem from our behaviors, and seek to become healthier so as not to repeat them. We may be in recovery, but our family members may not be able to trust that it’s permanent or sincere. It took time for us to emerge from our chrysalis fully committed to recovery, and the people around us are entitled to go through the process without being rushed.

• And remember, if you are feeling ashamed about mistakes made and damage done during your using days, you are not your disease.
• We can only become who we intend to be, and acknowledge to others that those addictive behaviors have no place in our lives from here on out.
• You’re left with a mountain of guilt and no one to apologize to, no one from whom you can ask forgiveness or make amends.
• As with alcohol and other drugs, we are also powerless over other people.

We can only become who we intend to be, and acknowledge to others that those addictive behaviors have no place in our lives from here on out. We should go easy on the words and strong on the actions. After all, years of drug or alcohol abuse will not be undone with an apology or a few simple words. We need to prove to our children that we are seriously addressing our addiction, not just offering cheap words.

How Will Making Amends Help My Recovery?

Calls to any general helpline (non-facility specific 1-8XX numbers) could be forwarded to SAMHSA or a verified treatment provider. Calls are routed based on availability and geographic location. Your efforts to make amends may not always go as well as you hope. Try not to respond with anger or defensiveness if others aren’t responsive to your efforts.

• Making these types of life changes is difficult and requires lots of hard, emotionally-complex work, but it’s worth all the effort in the end.
• Instead, it requires consistency in how you show respect and care for this person on an ongoing basis.
• Another example is a substance or alcohol-addicted adult child who regularly steals money, jewelry, and other valuable items from their elderly parent’s home.
• They may have been hurt in ways that you were not able to identify when preparing to make amends.
• But amends are so much more than just making a list and saying you are sorry, and this is where it becomes important to understand the difference between making an amends and making an apology.
• Calls to any general helpline (non-facility specific 1-8XX numbers) could be forwarded to SAMHSA or a verified treatment provider.

Each situation in making amends with someone will look and feel different, depending on the nature of your past relationship and the type of harm caused. There are some general strategies to keep in mind as you make your list of people to see and what to say to each one of them. Making amends with family is an important part of the recovery process. In fact, two of the 12 Steps (8 and 9) are specifically about making amends. Unlike apologizing, making amends involves acknowledging the hurt, amending your behavior (demonstrating changes through action), and righting a wrong. David Kessler discusses a living amends in his latest book, Finding Meaning.